"I don't play favourites. We're going to start winning, as of today. it might not show up on the scoreboard for a few games, but from now on everyone is going to be one the same page, like it or not!
From today we have no captain, and no assistant captains. We're going to hold an election in ten days... a secret ballot...so start thinking today who you want because whoever gets the most votes will be wearing the 'C', and the second and third picks will get the 'A's."
Then I'd either give them the day off, or else bag skate them until every one of them puked their guts out. All shot on multiple cameras, so my assistants could analyse each and every one of them for weaknesses, both physical and mental.
After that I'd buy everyone dinner, and we'd all get blind drunk. Together.
By the end of the first week I'd know exactly who the non-hackers were, and they'd be eliminated from the team.
PS: "If any of you don't want to be here, let me know by the end of the week. We will trade you, without any bad feelings or press releases to follow you out of town. I'm sure you're all good players."
PPS: And if I ever heard anyone from the office yapping about the players in any derogatory way, I'd storm into their office and piss on their desk.